Doors of Growth 112

A Reframed Understanding of People, Parenting, and the Narcissistic Family System

At our core, all of us share the same foundational potential for learning and growth. While our behaviors may vary, it’s important to remember: there’s no such thing as inherently "bad people," except in rare cases such as psychopathy. We must learn to separate people from their behaviors. What truly defines us are our consistent behaviors—not the inconsistent or situational ones.

Behavior and Emotional Intelligence All behavior is purposeful. Every one of us is capable of engaging in a wide range of behaviors, and most of us have done so to varying degrees. Behavior exists on a spectrum—ranging from toxic to tonic—rather than as a binary of “good” or “bad.” Understanding this creates room for empathy and perspective.

In the same way, feelings play a crucial role. Feelings are the language of unity, while details are often the language of division. If we’re not taught to understand and express our feelings, resolving conflict becomes nearly impossible. Unfortunately, most of us were never taught this emotional language.

Rethinking Parenting One critical area where misunderstanding feelings and behaviors shows up is in parenting. It's vital to distinguish between "Mom" or "Dad" as identities, and parenting as a learned skill. Mom and Dad are states of being—eternal roles. Parenting, however, is an intentional act of service that must be learned, practiced, and refined.

We often learn to parent the way we were parented—without ever stopping to ask:

• Was that parenting functional?

• Was it productive?

• Was it emotionally safe?

• Was it truly effective?

It’s similar to being trained as a mechanic by someone lacking skill—you end up passing on the same dysfunction, often unknowingly.

The Narcissistic Family System (NFS) Many people were raised within a Narcissistic Family System. The hallmark of this environment is the presence of one dominant “Reality”—typically dictated by the parent who would score higher on the narcissism scale. Emotional expression is minimized or dismissed, and material or financial provision is prioritized over emotional support.

In this system:

• Feelings are dismissed or invalidated.

• Conflict is avoided at all costs.

• Children are conditioned to people-please as a survival strategy.

• Conformity and compliance are rewarded.

• Parents’ needs consistently override those of the children.

This leads to gaslighting, enmeshment, emotional neglect, and psychological trauma—often unintentional but deeply damaging. Patterns such as staying in unhealthy relationships, lacking boundaries, or avoiding emotional responsibility are common outcomes.

These patterns are generational and often go unquestioned, normalized under the guise of “that’s just how it is.” What’s actually dysfunctional becomes accepted as standard.

For deeper understanding, explore these resources:

• Psychology Today: The 12 Rules of a Dysfunctional Narcissistic Family

• The Narcissist Family Files

• The Narcissistic Family Tree

Emotional Development and Communication Children raised in an NFS often retain a black-and-white, all-or-nothing way of thinking—typical of children under age 11 or 12. Beyond that age, we’re meant to develop abstract thought, nuance, and emotional complexity. But in these environments, that growth is stunted.

Communication becomes ineffective or shallow. Conflict avoidance is prized, even when it leads to emotional disconnection. There’s often a lack of object constancy—the ability to maintain emotional connection with others even when upset or physically apart.

Object constancy is a developmental skill that allows us to trust that our relationships are secure even in the face of conflict or distance. Without it, individuals may fear abandonment or struggle to regulate their emotions in the absence of constant reassurance.

This disrupts secure attachment and impairs relational health.

In addition, ableism is often present—through messages like “suck it up” or “you’re fine,” which invalidate people’s experiences and feelings.

Ableism refers to discrimination or social prejudice against people with disabilities. It involves assumptions, stereotypes, and practices that devalue individuals who are perceived as less able—often ignoring or minimizing their lived experiences and emotional needs.

Embracing Emotional Nuance Feelings are neither good nor bad. Like behaviors, they exist on a spectrum—from uncomfortable to comfortable. When we learn to acknowledge and understand our emotions, we move toward healing, empathy, and healthy relationships.